Netflix has been in the news lately for making some really questionable decisions. First they announced they were raising the prices for their service, then they actually raised prices (I was hoping they were bluffing), and now they have announced that they will be splintering into two separate companies — Netflix and Qwikster.
I could easily write 1,000 words on how bizarre I find all of this to be, and I could write another 2,000 analyzing and subsequently pooping on the name Qwikster, but that’s not what I’m really concerned with today.
Oh no. I’m concerned with something far more insidious brewing inside the Netflix brain trust.
I want to know why Netflix hates Shaquille O’Neal so much.
I know this may sound crazy at first. Who could hate Shaq? He’s really tall and lovable and he’s awesome at giving himself nicknames (which really is a skill… seriously, go to your office tomorrow and try to give YOURSELF a nickname… it won’t stick). But Netflix definitely does hate him and I will prove it using evidence pulled from their own site. Sit back and let the prosecution blow your mind.
EXHIBIT A: Blue Chips
Way back in 1994, a very skinny Shaq starred in a relatively high profile film about corrupt basketball recruiting. His character’s name was Neon, which is awesome. The movie also starred Nick Nolte as the same grizzled man filled with self hatred that he always plays. The movie wasn’t good but it was good enough to where you would think Netflix would have it in one of their warehouses somewhere, but when you look it up on
Qwikster Netflix all you see is this:
Uhhhh… Save? Fuck you, Netflix. I don’t want to save. I want to watch Neon struggle with the tough life decisions that come with being a top basketball recruit. You’ve got He Got Game ready for rental and that’s basically the same thing… sort of. Something stinks here.
EXHIBIT B: Kazaam
Ok, so they didn’t have Blue Chips. I guess that’s forgivable. A movie called Blue Chips should really be about delicious savory snacks that happen to be a glorious shade of cerulean, not basketball. And Shaq was only a supporting character in it. But what about Kazaam? The first movie where Shaq finally stepped out of the shadows and became a full on movie star in his own right. Surely Netflix will have it right?
Save again? Damn you, Netflix. One movie missing is normal enough but two movies from the same great star? I don’t like it. And I don’t want to hear about how Kazaam isn’t in there because it’s a bad movie. I bet half the DVDs that go out daily are for bad movies. I mean how many times has Showgirls been rented? I’d be willing to bet it’s gone in and out of more households than Shaq’s whimsical character in Kazaam has gone in and out of magical genie lamps. Or dicks have gone in and out of Elizabeth Berkley’s whimsical character in Showgirls. Yeah.
Damn, those were some sweet analogies.
But to stay focused, there is no rational reason for Kazaam to be missing other than the obvious fact that Netflix hates Shaq.
But wait, Netflix has one more chance at redemption…
EXHIBIT C: Steel
Ok, so Kazaam was Shaq’s first starring role but it wasn’t until his piece of the indirect Superman franchise, Steel that he really found what it took to lead a film. So what do I find when I look this movie up on Netflix?
Wait, what? Not even a save option? Netflix is not even acknowledging the existence of Steel? Instead I can save Real Steel, a movie that hasn’t even come out yet and looks like a Real Piece of Shit? That’s just ridiculous.
Three movies with Shaq as one of the leads and three dead ends on Netflix. Coincidence? Absolutely not.
It’s obvious that Netflix hates Shaquille O’Neal.
The prosecution rests.
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